Fun Stuff

DOWN AT THE GROTTO

The reindeer are nervous
They’re starting to cry
As Santa tucks into
His venison pie

He opens the whisky
Of which he’s enamoured
He knocks back the sherry
He’s utterly hammered

The elves are all worried
The candlelight flickers
The fairies are holding on tight
To their knickers

Then there’s a shout!
A dreadful to-do
“He’s dangled his bits
In the Tiramasu”

Then Santa keels over
Now totally blotto
As the elves and the fairies
All race from the grotto….

HAPPY CHRISTMAS

©Jan Jack 2012

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A Contemporary Romance

He was wearing a grey hoodie, and a dab of ‘Eau de Skate’
He chose a wicked restaurant for our brilliant first date,
He ordered two huge hamburgers, with relish and some fries,
And across that plastic table I gazed deep into his eyes,

 I saw his ‘HATE’ tattoo and knew I’d found my perfect heaven,
I got to know him well – from half past ten until eleven.
We had to leave quite quickly as his lovely pit bull Clyde,
Was frightening the customers; and snarling, just outside,

He took me for a lovely walk just by the local tip,
And there over the council bins, I dropped my bag of chips,
We have a brand new baby now, a lovely little boy,
I’ve dressed him in a hoodie and I’m going to name him Troy,

I know his Dad still loves me but my best mate’s not convinced,
She’s told me I should ask him…but I haven’t seen him since…

©Jan Jack 2011

Trouble at the Wine Club

I used to run a wine club, there were characters galore,
We had a bit of trouble with Louise from number four,
A fruity little number, in all the worst of ways,
She ran off with a wine merchant, she’d known for seven days,

I don’t know what she saw in him; he never had a car,
But her eyes lit up completely when she saw his Pinot Noir,
He was full of it – had all the chat, the things he used to tell her,
And wine wasn’t the only thing he laid down in his cellar,

He said “I’ll take you to Champagne, of course, and take you to Loire Valley,
But they got as far as Peckham and he took her up the alley,
And when they asked him at the Wine Club “Would you like a nice Rioja?”
He said “I don’t care what I drink; just want to see her knockers…..”

©Jan Jack 2011

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